Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
