Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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