just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
