Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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