last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
