I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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