What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
