he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She told me I should be a condom model.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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