We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize