I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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