Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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