Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
