I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
