im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
