I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
