I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
