I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
