When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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