JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
