You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
