There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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