I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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