After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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