Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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