Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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