I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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