i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
