he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We have so much sex to catch up on
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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