That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
