My first STD was from a foam party
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
