think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
