On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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