this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
