Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
