so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
