JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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