Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
