Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
