My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
40s are totally the cure
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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