I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
