how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
