I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
