Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
