just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize