and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
