So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
