We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
