onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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