just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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