I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
