I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
