I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw a hot homeless man
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
