they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
