I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
