I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize