Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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