i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
