yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
