I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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