Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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