My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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