the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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