why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
