im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
