He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
