does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
