once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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